Darlin' Debaucher
by Fasnacht
Summary: Sequel to Darlin' Companion. Darrell POV. Darrell is once again back at the drawing board in his matchmaking scheme. Three movies, a skipped lunch, and a green highlighter lead Darrell to some revelations and a new ally. Is all lost, or will his planning come together? SAKE. Please Read & Review.


**A Guest (who I wish had signed her review!) asked for this one shot. She asked, and so she shall receive I hope it meets her specifications. I wrote it in two hours. This is a sequel to Darlin' Companion. **

Darrell needed to plan. He needed to think. Mrs. Ely's history class was the perfect place to do it. His desk was in the back row, in the left side of the room. Now, normally, that would mean he'd lean against the cinderblock wall and listen to her drone on about old, dead, white guys, but today, the privacy provided him with the perfect workstation. He pulled a blank sheet of paper out of his notebook and looked down at his notes:

Getting Sam and Jake Together

If Left Alone: 267 Years

With Help Goal: 3 Months

stubbornness Factor: + 6 weeks

Goal: Married, Or at least not oblivious

Darrell looked down at the mathematical calculations following his estimations. So, his plan needed a better name, and it was a work in progress, but at least his math had been solid. His goal was to have them settled within the next three months. He could do it. He was positive that with a little help, they would be on the right track soon, and then he'd have a whole other set of problems to deal with, but that was neither here nor there. He continued to write things on his list about how to make them see that they were two peas in a pod, peas and carrots, a real life Forrest and Jenny, Harry and Hermione, Daisy and Hoke. Darrell frowned. Didn't Harry get with his best friend's little sister? Hmm. So maybe that relationship didn't fit, but...

Whatever, if the Boy Who Lived didn't fit, it was hardly important. How did the movies make two people get together? Well, he could always lock them in a closet, like in that chick flick Ally showed at the church one time. He could push them out in the rain, maybe, and then they would get all cold and just have to hug it out, maybe? So he added that to the list. Or! He had it. He could spread a rumor that they were together, and then people would assume that they were, and then they'd feel obligated to go along with it. But, geez, that plot only worked if someone was sick or there was money involved. He could get a cold, maybe, but how would them getting together make him feel better? Well, it was something. He added it to the list.

So far, he had:

1) Closet

2) Rain

3) Sick

Jeez, none of these ideas were a plan! His mother always said he needed to use logic, have a step by step plan to meet a goal, not that she thought he had any. Well, if his goal was to marry them off, he would have to work towards that. Here he was thinking Little League when he needed to be thinking World Series. What would he do, if the bases were loaded, and he had one shot to win the whole series, get the whole shebang, the girl and the popcorn? That's it! He nearly cheered. He'd have to marry them off. But how?

They were only 17, and Jake certainly wasn't the kind of guy just to up and propose six weeks after starting dating, not that Sam would ever go along with such a scheme. Jake, Darrell knew, would take it slow, he was a thinker, not a do-er. They wouldn't get married straight out of high school. Who did that? Not Sam and Jake, that was for certain. Well, not at this rate. Still, if marriage was the goal, he needed to start moving fast. He wanted to be an uncle, you know, before he was too old to tell their kids about how they almost never existed and that it was Uncle Darrell who fixed Mommy and Daddy right up, so they would feel obligated to be good when he watched them. Kids were supposed to be good for the person who made sure they existed, right? Well, that was what his father had always said.

"Darrell!" Mrs. Ely was standing in front of his desk, arms crossed over her chest. This was not good. He had no idea what had been going on. "Please pay attention!" He shoved his list under his text and pretended to follow the lecture, noting that he hadn't put his goal down on the page. His mother always said you needed to write down a goal to make it real.

On the bottom right corner, he took his pen and wrote MARRIAGE and highlighted it with his green highlighter. He knew that for most guys, the word marriage threw them into a tailspin. But not Jake. He remembered one night, not too long ago, when he'd gone over to Three Ponies for movie night. He'd still been stuck on what to do next, but the night had been an eye opener. Sam, of course, had been there. Sam had held up two movies: _Love & Basketball _and _The Object of My Affection_. "So, which one d'you want to watch, Darrell?"

He grinned, popping his gum. "Well, now, Darlin.' Do I pick the movie about the two best friends who ignore their obvious attraction for decades or the movie about the people in a platonic life partnership?"

She frowned and got another DVD case, "Okay, we'll watch _Juno_!"

"Great." He exclaimed, smacking his gum, only to sober and add, "Best friends have a baby." Darrell intoned.

She spluttered. "The one's about basketball!" She sighed, and plopped down next to Jake, who'd just come into the room with a bowl of popcorn. "And, you know, Jennifer Anniston is in the other. And Juno's not at all about Paulie and Juno's friendship!"

"All's I'm saying, Darlin' is that their relationship is not normal." He explained, gesturing to the second case. Maybe she didn't see that.

"Huh?" And it was clear she didn't. He knew he should have built up to the idea that two people who are in love with one another, like Sam and Jake should realize they are, enjoy physical closeness.

"The man is gay." Darrell emphasized."They're not ever going to have sex."

"And, what, a sex life is supposed to be the litmus test for a solid relationship?" She scoffed.

"It's pretty damn important, am I right, Jake?" Darrell insisted.

Jake swallowed his popcorn. "Uhh..." But still he shook his head, slowly, as if making up his mind then and there.

"No?" Darrell was shocked. He nearly choked on his juicy fruit. What man said sex wasn't important? Who was his friend?

Sam stole popcorn from the bowl in Jake's lap. "How is some biological response to a person supposed to signal eternal bliss? Or even compatibility in the long term?" Sam scoffed.

"Brat, it's not even that. It's like, Take _Love & Basketball." _Jake took the case from her. _ "_The sex wasn't an extension of their...committment. It was..."

Sam disagreed with his assessment of the characters, Darrell could see it in her face as she cried, "Oh, not this again!" Sam buried her face in a pillow.

Darrell started. "What?"

"Is it a crime to think that they shouldn't have had gone to bed if they weren't prepared to stand beside each other?" Jake asked.

"You do realize you sound like some rabid idiot." She scowled. "Juno didn't want to get pregnant." She tossed aside the other case.

He sighed, "It's not even about that. If she chose to end the pregnancy, then he should have gone with her to the clinic, supported her choice. Not taken the soup girl to the dance and left her to face Su-Chin alone."

Sam moaned, "Ugh, you complicate everything!"

"Me, Brat?" His friend was surprised.

"Yes!" Sam exclaimed.

"Look, all I'm saying is that sex should be based on a commitment from one person to another to...not only spend the night together, but to face the morning together, to honor one another in the daylight, as well as the darkness, no matter how long their relationship goes on." Darrell was shocked. Who knew his quiet friend could be so eloquent? Well, eloquent for a guy who seemed to be content in his virginity. Wait, were they... Did they?

"Maybe all she wanted was one night...Not everyone wants forever..." Sam ventured, even though she was looking into Jake's eyes in a way Darrell had never seen. She, Sam, Darrell swore, wanted Jake's forever. There was something in her face. Something that made him feel like he shouldn't be there. She wanted his commitment, his stability, his love. How had Darrell missed the subtext. The subtext said... Darrell turned beet red and stopped just short of inhaling his gum. Well, it certainly sounded like this was personal.

Jake shook his head, breaking the heated gaze. "Wouldn't some fling just be pointless?"

Before Darrell could correct his poor, errant buddy, or demand information, or even inhale to remove his gum, there was an exclamation. "Geez, are you two arguing about family planning again?" Quinn interjected.

"No. We're not talking about birth control. It's not my fault that your brother inhabits the stone age." Admittadly, that was a little harsh. Sam knew Jake was all for birth control and the right to choose. He just...had strong personal convictions about his own decisions, and needs, she guessed. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"I don't have any clean clothes at school." Quinn, Darrell noted, was wearing a t-shirt with some sauce on it. It seemed like Darrell's mind was a computer fan, a hard drive overloaded with information and implications. He needed to reboot.

Darrell spoke, mind whirling, "This wasn't a...one time argument?"

Quinn shook his head. "I wish."

"You thought it was a good discussion, Quinn!" Sam declared.

"I thought it was funny, not good. There's a difference." He corrected.

Sam was indignant. "Which is?"

"I just think it's funny that Jake's the one holding out on you, Sammy." Quinn informed her.

"Why in God's name did you think we wanted to..." She frowned, "You are a letch! A sex crazed letch, Quinn!"

"Sam shouldn't be thinkin' about..." Jake declared.

She cut him off. "Oh! So you'd force me to be ignorant thinking babies came from the stork?" Sam threw the pillow at him.

He raised the bowl to miss spilling it all over. "Brat."

"Chauvinistic Jerkface!" She called.

Quinn frowned, "Now, honey, you know that's not true. He just won't do a thing if he ain't got that ring." And he left the room singing once he'd taken two handfuls of the popcorn.

Darrell didn't even remember what movie they'd watched, only that Sam had curled into Jake's side sometime in the middle of it and whispered that she understood his need for committment, even if it was odd. She said she was certain a girl crazy enough to put up with him would come along one day. Well, Darrell would make sure one day came along. He would, and faster than superman changed in a phone booth, too.

If they were comfortable enough with each other to talk about sex, then certainly their relationship ran deeper than he'd known, and it certainly sounded like they were doing things, though he'd bet his life they weren't. Jake blushed or changed the subject when Darrell brought anything up, unless it was about protection or consent or anything like that. Jake was pretty withdrawn, clinical about sex. Though, he was pretty passionate when he'd said it wasn't right to objectify women by turning them into sexual objects. He'd refused to look at any of the magazines that were sometimes passed around.

Once Jake'd thrown a guy into the lockers because he'd commented on some girl's behind in a way that had even made Darrell uncomfortable. He been seconds away from punching the guy's lights out, when the coach, who'd overheard everything, had pulled Jake off him and told the guy to get lost. But...what did it mean that Jake was so open with Sam?

He looked at his list again, and scanned his timeline, and his ideas. None of these would work. He tapped his pen against his chin. What else could he write? Maybe...Maybe! He could set Sam up with some guy, and that would be that. Jake would suddenly realize that he loved her, bust up the boring date that Sam was having a horrible time on, and they would be together after that. Hadn't he seen a TV show where that happened? He wrote it down in big letters and circled it five times with vigor, clicking the pen with joy. It was the perfect plan. He only wished he could tell his mother.

But, who to set her up with? It'd have to be someone odious enough, but not too terrible, because Jake would have to be told about how it was a great date for Sam. He could just see Jake walking into wherever the date happened to be and plopping down next to Sam. It would be just like the time a wild pop singer was sat next to some blonde country singer and her husband. The look on their faces in the photograph had displayed such epic discomfort that even Darrell had shared it on Facebook. He smiled to himself.

Suddenly, there was a tapping foot standing in front of his desk. He'd paid Rider, the idiot he'd been in Scouts with, who sat two seats over, to warn him if Mrs. Ely ever walked up to him with that look on her face, but Rider had failed. Well, they'd just have to talk, wouldn't they, about how Scouts stuck together? That is, right after he charmed his way out of this one. Her face was impassive, and much of the class was looking at him. The movie was paused. Wait, today had been a movie day?

"Darrell, just what is holding your interest?" Mrs. Ely demanded.

He quickly was trying to hide the paper. He saw Sam's name on the sheet and spoke without thinking "Sam..."

There was the scape of a seat, as though someone had nearly stood up while forgetting they were sandwiched in a tiny, wooden desk. He glanced over to see six foot, three inches of irate Jacob Ely glaring at him. He'd forgotten they shared this class.

He coughed, "Uh, ham. Ham!" He declared. "I'm thinking about ham."

She raised an eyebrow. "Ham?"

"Yes, you see, I skipped lunch, and I'm really hungry." Darrell excalimed."I like ham." God, he sounded like the crazy chick on the one show. You know, the one who hid in the bathroom and exclaimed, "I Like Eggs!" to anyone who came into the bathroom. There really had been a lot of traffic in that bathroom. He wondered if there had been an entry behind a toilet or a door to Narnia in there.

In his reverie, Mrs. Ely noticed the paper on his desk, tucked into the textbook that, it seemed, no one else had open. "So what's that?"

"My grocery list?" He asked, trying to push it down.

"Hand it over." She paused as he hesitated, "Now."

He had no choice but to watch as her face went from shock, to hastily hidden...something he couldn't place, back to her normal brisk demeanor. She folded the paper. "I see. Well, while your final analysis of the situation is sound, you should be cautious about relying on previous models of success, regarding, the uh, resolution. Sometimes, uh, events play out and the desired outcome is reached without too much involvement from historians."

She didn't give the paper back to him, turning away quickly. "Though in this case, I think further action might be needed."

She walked to the front of the room and placed the paper on her desk. "Spot on as Darrell's discussion of the political factors that led to the Haymarket riots might have been, he will be spending this evening's detention period with me for failing to watch the movie on the same topic."

Darrell groaned as the class buzzed. She had his list. What if Sam or Jake saw it? No, he simply would get it back at the detention. In the meantime, he knew he had another issue. Jake was glaring at him. According to his expression, he hadn't bought the ham story. Oh well, he'd said he needed the big guns. Who was a more powerfully ally than the woman that had raised both Jake and Sam? Nobody, that's who! He was a master planner. Now, he needed to come up with a story for Jake fast, before this whole thing went around the school. Knowing the rumor mill around here, by 3 p.m., he'd either be in love with a pig, or sleeping with Sam, or some combination of the two. He set to planning, only to hear the bell ring.

**Poor Darrell. He's so adorably confused. Jake is so...adamant, and well, Sam, she just wants to watch a movie. Please review, especially if you think Jake is a Mary Sue with a Victorian moral code. **


End file.
